Koffee with Kasab !

                Kasab wants mutton biryani, kasab wants rakhi, karsab wants perfumes – what is this big fuss about a brutal human butcher demanding stuff like being some Ambani’s spoilt daughter. So we sent our best reporter from Are Relax Tv – our beloved – Kunalchand Dozy (KD from here on : neatly combed and over oiled hair, khadi kurta over formal pants and as you should expect  – Tuffs sports shoes-shiny white) to find out the inside story about all the fuss about Mohammad Ajmal Amir Kasab (AK from here on) –  KD, typical of him, bored the jailer at Arthur road jail to death and managed to get a chat with AK –

KD enters wearing his million dollar smile and hits on :

KD : Hello Mr. Kasab.

AK : Aaadaa Barse !

KD: Ya Same to you – aadab harse ! So how are you ?

AK : Doing good. A little disappointed that they didn’t send a lady reporter though.

KD: Oh! I think I would be able to satisfy you, uh oh.. I mean through my superior reporting skills. BTW, you seem to have put on a lot since you have been arrested ?

AK: Hhmm, not much, just about 4-5 kgs. Happens when you are on vacation.

KD: Vacation !!!

AK: Oh, I mean I am not doing my regular job – so putting on a bit. Besides there is no Gym in this bloody jail. Wow, you just gave me a good idea to throw my next tantrum.. I need a gym.. thanks.

KD: Well.. welcome.., speaking of tantrums, we hear you want to eat mutton biryani and basmati rice ?

AK: Of course, my taste buds cant stand this stupid jail food.

KD: Well, sir, I suppose that is a part of your punishment.

AK: Punishment !! What punishment. I like it here. A billion people and more want to know anything and everything about me. Even my irregular bowel movements causes a stir in the media. I enjoy the attention and the limelight.

KD: Don’t you miss home ?

AK: Are you mad ! don’t remind me of that place. Bloody get up at 3 in the morning, climb mountains, work out like mad, tones of gym, Bombing drills, AK47 drills, swimming, trekking, suicide practicals  and stuff you cant even imagine. Your turn into an android – you know thats why they are able to program us against the fear of dying. Dying is sorta  In.. there. And after all this, you got to share your dinner with a dozen of guys in the same plate. I am in jannat(heaven) here.

KD: Oh, so you like it here ?

AK: Like it??  I love it ! They spend Rs 2500 from your tax money every day on my security, stay and food. You know how many Indians make less than Rs 20/day.

KD: You seem to be having a lot of knowledge for a person exiled here in a jail !

AK: Yeah, its this micro chip fitted behind my ear(Kasab bends his ear and leans forward towards KD to show the chip- KD almost faints with AK’s odour). It gets continuous audio feed from the LeT website. Keeps me updated.

KD(awe): Wow !

AK: Also, ask those twitter guys to stop napping and upgrade. Duh ! I need to post audio feeds from this chip below my tongue. What do they expect me to do : Have chips in my eyes for God sake ! Tell them to do it else we will hijack it.

KD:  Oh Uh.. You mean Hack.

AK: Yeah same. Don’t act smart. (Seems nobody told AK that KD doesn't need to 'act' smart .. huh!)

KD: Oh sorry! Why did you……… (KD just watches the next question, remembers something and cancels it out ) – Why did you ask for a perfume ?  Well, sorry , we heard you wanted rakhi ?

AK: What !  NO ! She is good for loosers like Eelesh only .

KD:  Oh no no. Not Rakhi Sawant sir. As in Raksha Bandhan Rakhi.

AK: Oh ya, my lawyer explained me the importance. Besides my TRP was dropping down. H1N1, elections almost beat me to it. So you know, I had no other option. People love ‘breaking news’ on holidays.

KD: Just diverting from the topic, if you like it in here so much, why did you confess and ask to be hanged some time back.

AK: Mind games baby, mind games ! If I ask them to sentence me to death, and they do, then you will never have the satisfaction of hanging me against my will. So i know you wont. Besides the opposition will get an agenda to accuse the ruling party of listening to a terrorist

.

KD: Oh thats intelligent. And whats with all this lawyer thing?

AK:  Well, I seriously don’t know. May be they want some TRP too. Who cares anyways, my chargesheet is 12000 lines long and there are about 200 witnesses. Its going to take millions of years. And ya, its going to cost all you tax payers crores.

KD: Hhmm, you seem to be a lot worried about TRP and publicity don’t you ?

AK:  Of course I am, how many people do you think follow your stupid blog !! My photo is one of the highest published and distributed photo ever- this one ->. Man I must have beaten Megan Fox at it. Its my duty now to keep it up to date.

KD: Oh, why don't you try some reality show then ?

AK: Grinning. Well.. I did have an invitation from Big Boss 3. They even built a separate jail cell out there for me.

KD: Oh that was for you. We were wondering why they are not able to utilize it properly. But what happened ?

AK: Oh its dates collided with the elections . So the government has asked me to go in Big Boss 4 instead. This time they took that Kamaal instead of me.

KD: Oh ok. Why does it seem that the ISI and the LeT are not worried about you being here.

AK: Oh they know me. I have doom going inside my head. I killed 166 people dude! Aamir khan from Ghajini can be relied to remember things and be consistent more than I do.

KD: Didn’t they audio tweet you not to spill out the details of the training camps ?

AK: Phissss.. you believed that didn’t you. Thats what got me the Big Boss invitation btw. Frankly I love making a mockery of the judicial system here. Instead of ripping my ass off for throwing away dinner dishes, these guys report me to a special court and I get reprimanded every week. I am a good source for entertainment for the underworld too you see. They like it. And when I am not doing it, they get bored and go out and start bombing and abducting. So you see, my actions are actually leading to world peace. I should get the Nobel peace for that. If not at least fund my antics. At least give me a mutton biryani. Give me Mut…(starts barging at KD)… tton biryani you.. whats your name you..

KD: kkk.. uu.

AK: Ya you Ku !

KD passed out and the jailer got him back to us – without his report copy ! I believe Kasab ‘hijacked the report .  We had to hack into archives of Kasab’s  tweets to get you this.

                                                                                                                                Are Relax TV !